462: Thank You, Dr. Susan
Posted by Lucy on March 2nd, 2010. Filed under: Uncategorized.I went to therapy with Dr. Susan today. It’s been a while – we had a big snowstorm, then she had to cancel our last appointment, then I canceled the rescheduled appointment because it was moved to the day before I had my next appointment – and when I went in today she said, “Haven’t seen you in a while. What’s been going on?”
And I said, “Nothing. I’m happy.”
And it’s true. For the past week or so, the longest stretch in recent memory, I’ve been feeling pretty good. Content. Kind of tired, I find I’m sleeping a lot, but when I’m awake, I feel good. I’m not worried, I’m not angry, I’m not particularly sad (although there are moments of grief that kind of swipe at me sideways, out of nowhere, and then retreat) and I’m not depressed. I’m excited about the book, have been making some great progress there, and am going to be spending the month of March finishing that bad boy off.
Overall, I’m… happy.
I don’t know why I thought that would lead to a boring session with Dr. Susan, as if I would just say, “I’m happy,” and she would say, “Well, my work here is done,” and send me on my way. Instead, she started asking interesting questions.
So, how will you feel when Fish gets remarried? Because, you know, men usually remarry pretty quickly. (Honestly, as long as she’s good to the kids, the idea of someone coming into his life who made him truly happy would be wonderful. Let a better woman do what I could not.) What do you think about someday getting remarried yourself? (The very idea makes me want to vomit.) How are you going to feel once Fish gets himself relocated to Cincinnati? (Relieved.)
And so on, and so on.
While all the questions kind of surprised me, they really shouldn’t have. I mean, the woman specializes in family therapy; this is hardly her first rodeo. She knows exactly what I’m facing down the pike, and now that we’re done dredging up the past, it’s time to look to the future.
So, we looked to it. The future. It was such a strange concept, this future of which she spoke. It had been such a long time since I’d looked past tomorrow that I couldn’t imagine it; what life would be like once all this was over, once the house in New York is sold, once the divorce is finalized, once Fish is settled in Ohio and is a more present and regular part of our lives.
Once it’s over.
I’ve been struggling with this for the last couple of years. It started out as a depression I couldn’t name and then a solution I couldn’t face until finally it was so bad, I had to run. The worst happened; my marriage fell apart, life as I knew it ended. Sure, people get divorced all the time, but I don’t. This was a 9.0 on the Lifequake Richter scale for me, and the idea that it’s possible for it to ever be over hadn’t occurred to me. I spent many a day chanting, “This too shall pass,” just to survive until I could crawl into bed in the fetal position, but I don’t think I ever saw that there might be something at the end of the tunnel other than more tunnel. I never imagined a day when I would wake up with nothing particularly important going on, and nothing but good times ahead.
Now, I’m imagining it, and I have to say, I like what I see. There are more miles to go on this road, I know that, and there are a lot of answers I don’t have yet, and that’s okay. What’s important is that someday soon, I’m going to wake up and not have that moment of anguished shock where I realize, once again, that it wasn’t all a nightmare, I’m really getting divorced. Someday soon, I’m going to wake up and life is just going to be life, and there will be nothing interesting going on. Someday soon, the last vestiges of grief will be gone, and I’ll stop bursting into tears on a dime in order to vent them.
Of course, this was always true, but now, I can see Someday coming, and that, Dear Betties, makes this a Big Day.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:56 am
Hurrah for a Big Day! It’s so important to appreciate the good days so we can remember them during the bad days.
My goal for this year is to be Calm. You would have thought the universe has taken this as a challenge! I’ve just surfaced from a frantic week and had the pleasure of stumbling across the 516 day journey you are on. I caught up on the past two months of these posts all in one day (yesterday) and I now feel as calm as I’ve felt all year. I’m finding myself quietly reflecting on myself and the world around me.
There are two big things that have stuck with me from all of the insight and wisdom here. The first is: there is nothing wrong with me! Quick, say it out loud, every single day! The second is to live more in the now, to take time out each day to appreciate the world I’m in right now.
I left my book at home today. I usually spend my ride to and from work reading. Instead I looked out the train window, saw the blue sky and watched the buildings pass by. I appreciated where I was in the world right then and I could see a little bit of Calm.
March 2nd, 2010 at 7:13 am
It’s such a relief to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and an even greater feeling to realize that the light isn’t a fast moving locomotive. And it’s absolutely a euphoric feeling when you know that light is a big bag of sunshine!
Growth, ain’t it grand!! Spring is near, in many different ways.
Happy writing Dear Lucy, enjoy the peace.
March 2nd, 2010 at 7:40 am
Being far enough through to see the other side is wonderful. And though the journey isn’t over yet, being able to see past what comes next can make it easier to find the strength to deal with each day. Congratulations!
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:06 am
As someone who has travelled through a similar tunnel I can say YES there is a life beyond tomorrow. I did not know what life would hold for me, or what it will hold for you, but some things are inevitable. The pain will change, you will find new patterns for your days, you will reach goals you never knew you had. Your girls will grow up and move on…yes I know that seems scary and impossible right now but it is what kids are supposed to do. Ten years later my kids are great, they survived the divorce, they know both of their parents love them and did the best they could. But now they are young adults and are beginning lives of their own. And I have a new and better life myself, much better than I could have ever imagined back in those dark middle of divorce days.
It is important to look down that road to imagine yourself thriving in the future, but focus on the now to make today count. I look back at those dark days and see incredible feats of strength and independence. I am very proud of how I survived. I am proud of how I looked after my kids and how I looked after myself. I grew, I learned, I moved on.
Your future is going to be so exciting.
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:38 am
It’ll be okay. No matter what, in the end, your kids are loved and you’ll be okay.
I tell myself that all the time. And it works. And, surprisingly, takes a lot of responsibility off each Day and what it may or may not hold for me, because … well… it’ll be okay.
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:29 am
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to say this here, but that’s really impressive that Fish is moving to Ohio to be closer to the kids. There’s an advice columnist I read who always tells people to imagine how someone will react if you divorce them before marrying them (will they continue to try and be supportive about the kids, will they “let” you leave, etc) and I think this finally makes her advice make sense to me.
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:34 am
This is so GREAT for you! I personally don’t know about divorce, but I’ve been dealing with one loss after another after another for a few years now. That feeling when you get straightened up and realize you have nothing but good feelings today? That’s a GREAT day. And if you get a string of those in a row? Even better. Eventually that turns into normal. And enough normal gives you the strength you need to get through the next whatever-it-is that the demon god of life’s twists and turns throws at you.
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:04 am
Bethany, absolutely you can say that here. Fish is a good man, and a loving father. We’re just not good together, and I’m not good in a marriage. But there aren’t any bad guys here, just a sucky situation.
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:49 am
Kudos to you and Fish, definately. My sis and brother-in-law accidentally structured their marriage in a way that sucked for both of them. When they finally couldn’t take it any longer, they divorced with the mutual goal of continuing to parent their son together and honoring the promise that they’d made to him that they would always be a family. They attend all of his school events and doctor’s appt’s together, take turns picking him up from school and continue to go on “family outings”. They’ve remained friends, and I wish that for you and the girls and Fish.
That said, WOOT! Let’s hear it for your BIG DAY!!! I’m so happy that you can look forward today, can see the sunshine at the end of the tunnel! I had to laugh at the line “this is hardly her first rodeo” and related mightily to what you said about “I don’t think I ever saw that there might be something at the end of the tunnel other than more tunnel.” I’ve had depression and anxiety issues since my teens, and that combined with my mom’s death 6 months ago have deposited me firmly In the Tunnel and your reminder that there is something other than tunnel is a god-send. Thanks.
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:51 am
What a great feeling to reach this point where you’re turning such a big corner.
From a purely selfish perspective, I’m thrilled to hear you’ll be finishing off the book in March. I’m dying to read it!
Tawna (Bettylicious)
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:55 am
I think you’re headed for “The Best Possible Outcome”. And that would be becoming one of your ex-husband’s best friends. All the signs seem to be pointing in that direction. You’d be thrilled for him if he found a woman who’d be perfect for him, and who would love and nurture your daughters. And I think he will come to be generously invested in your life, interested and happy for your successes and supportive if something doesn’t work out. The two of you will be able to enjoy one another’s company – relaxed and at ease. You’ll raise your children to be amazing women. If one of you should ever have another child, the other will welcome that child into a large, loving, blended family. Now that’s truly a bright, shining light at the end of the tunnel.
March 2nd, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Congratulations on your Big Day ! Sending BVs that there are many more. That’s Bettie Vibes -not Blessed Virgin
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:10 pm
I’m so glad to hear you can see a new, wonderfully normal life not too far off in the distance. Bravo for doing the work to get to this place.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Hey Kerryn, welcome.
Generally what I’ve noticed is that if you ask for something like a character trait – the universe sends you situations that are designed to help you develop and grow into that characteristic.
So if you ask for peace, the Universe facilitates conflict into your life so that you learn to face the conflict and create peace from within.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Wow…Lucy, your progress is amazing. The fact that you are finding peace in some form already, as well as being able to look to the future, blows my mind. Seriously, bookmark this post for next time you might be having a bad day or having an issue with who you are, because this just shows how strong and full of love you are. You are an awesome person, and I’m really grateful to be able to read about all of this. Congratulations on your Big Day!
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Those are scary big questions. Having answers for scary BIG questions? Leaves me in awe. Really. I can never answer the big questions.
Happiness has a way of seeping into everything you do, like a glitter trail. I hope you glitter everything you touch today.
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:57 pm
@Biker Betty-LOL-was that (BV=Blessed Virgin) a reference to Nunsense?!
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Rock On Lucy!!! You continue to blow me away. Good on yah.
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:32 pm
I keep making it over here only to be pulled away. Dang it.
I can honestly say “Been there, Done that” to all of Dr. Susan’s questions. Except my ex has not reproduced again. That’s a good thing.
I’ve been divorced eight years (on March 8th but whose counting) and in that time, the ex has been married twice. The first one he married one year to the day I asked for the divorce. Though I’m sure the date was lost on him. Anyway, that day was my bottom. Fetal position. Not good. Needless to say, I could have used a Dr. Susan.
Five weeks later, she left him. (I admit, I chuckle everytime I think about it.) Right after that, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. The next marriage didn’t bother me one iota. Then he divorced that one and almost remarried her a year later. For the last year he’s been engaged to someone else. She dumped him recently, so no new weddings, but if he keeps this up, we’ll have enough Mrs. Osburns to field a basketball team.
Unfortunately, he fought tooth and nail when I moved away with our daughter and wouldn’t in a million years consider moving closer to her. He’d have to leave mommy and daddy for that and the cord doesn’t stretch that far. I realize that sounds bitter, but it’s true. It’s also the reason recent fiance broke up with him, so it’s not just me.
Anyway, all this rambling no one cares about to get to the idea that you and Fish deserve major kudos for how you are handling this. Maturity and kindness in a divorce is RARE. Heck, sometimes you can’t even get them before the divorce.
One tiny problem with the post. This > Let a better woman do what I could not. A different woman maybe, but not a better woman.
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:42 pm
Terri – OH MY GOD. Already remarried twice? I had a line in Little Ray of Sunshine where her mother had been married eight times and she said something like, “I only had to kill one hamster to know rodents weren’t my thing.” Seriously. I screwed up one marriage, that’s enough for me, thankyouverymuch.
And thanks on the better woman line. I think, a better woman for him. And we’re both done having kids, I think – well, I know I am. He may change his mind, or marry someone with kids. Who knows? Life will be what it will be, and if he’s happy, I’ll be thrilled.
March 2nd, 2010 at 5:14 pm
Wonderful!
The Betties are so proud of you and all your strength!
Now, keep calm and carry on (I saw that on a poster and I say it to my students all the time).
XOXO
Diva Betty
March 2nd, 2010 at 5:57 pm
HOORAY!
I can’t think of anything better to say.
March 2nd, 2010 at 5:58 pm
I’ve been thinking about calmness (good on you, Lucy) and “it couldn’t not happen” (ditto). I’m living in my Happily Ever After, after a multitudinous multiplicity of events conspired to make it come together. I started moving toward this life either five or nearly 50 years ago, depending on how you look at it. Finally, I’m pretty well settled in and loving it.
In the day-to-day, stuff still happens. I worry about things. I get rejections. Economies tank. We don’t have a lot of snow this winter so we’ll probably lack water in the well this summer. I can’t say “no” strongly enough and do too much. Friendships die. I still have my life lessons, dammit.
But compared to the really big barriers to happiness and contentment I lived in my previous lives (all in this body), the stuff is just temporary. There’s a deep river of happy carrying me along, and the stuff in the water is just mildly interesting or infuriating.
Much to my surprise, my Happily Ever After does include a husband (my last, also my third), and (grown) stepchildren, and even grandchildren. I am the poster child for “never say never.”
Hooray for calmness, and work, and being friends with exes, and creating loving families from strangers and relatives. Oh, and Bettys.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:15 pm
And hooray for Marion as well.You impress me, girl.
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:08 pm
Yay!!
What a relief when a little light shines in.
Yay!!!
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Glad you had such a good day!!! I do love them when they come visit.
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:49 pm
So glad to hear about the good day!
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:58 pm
Good for you, and Dr. Susan. She’s smart for addressing now what might be stumbling blocks in the future. You and your ex will be linked forever because of your children. It’s great if you can keep the relationship healthy.
Nobody can foresee what you’ll feel like when certain things happen in your life, like how you might react to your ex’s remarriage, because it would all depend on what was going on in your life at that time. But if you know there might be odd feelings about certain future events, and what some of them might be, you can prepare for them and they won’t come as a complete surprise and have you second guessing your reaction or doing anything dumb. ; )
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:10 am
It’s really great that you don’t point finger’s in your situation. I think too many people try to make the other person “the bad guy” and in the end only end up hurting themselves by hanging on to the bitterness, or possibly hurting the kids by making them choose who’s “side” they’re on.
My ex and I split about 3 1/2 years ago. He and I went through much transition but now we live in the same small town, and each see our daughter 50/50. I’m not saying that we never disagree or we never annoy each other. Just that we make the effort.
It sounds like you and Fish are going to make the effort too. And for that I give you BIG kudos as most don’t even bother.
Take care and I hope that light at the end of the tunnel just gets bigger and brighter for you.
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:23 am
I’m smiling. Yay for you. Thinking about the future. A nice reminder to us all, isn’t it?
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:34 am
(-: I’m very happy for you! Even when you were actively “wrassling” you never wallowed in misery (at least not here on the blog). And it’s so good to share the happy bits, too. Hope they last for a good long time!
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:51 am
That’s a really lovely post. It’s important to treasure the good days. Also, it is good that Fish is moving to be closer to his girls – losing touch with my father was one of the big casualties of my parents’ divorce and hundreds of gallons of water under the bridge, our relationship still sucks. F’s commitment to his girls will bring all of you big big rewards. In the meantime, your positive attitude to his happiness also will bring big big rewards.
Kudos.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:56 am
@Lora, thanks–we’re all pretty damn special.