482: Vajazzled
Posted by Lucy on February 10th, 2010. Filed under: Uncategorized.The other night after teaching my class, I went downstairs to talk to Jenny. Things had been a little hectic for me for a few days, dealing with issues of divorce and whatnot, and my brain was frazzled. I highly recommend, whenever possible, to have your best friend live right downstairs. Life is so much better when there’s a good friend and a cold Diet Coke waiting in the kitchen.
I took a sip of my Diet Coke, and Jenny asked about my class, and I told her, and then she said, “Did you see the thing about Jennifer Love Hewitt?”
I, of course, said no, even though I had, because I have no memory. This happens a lot. Jenny says, “Did you hear about X?” and I say, “No,” and then she proceeds to tell me and in the middle of it, I say, “Oh, yeah. You sent me that link,” and Jenny says, “I did?”
I also recommend, whenever possible, to have equal memory retention with your best friend who lives right downstairs. Imagine Finding Nemo with two Dories as the main characters; that’s me and Jenny.
So, anyway, I said no, I hadn’t heard about Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Jenny said, “After her breakup, she bedazzled her twat.”
I laughed, because there are few phrases in the human language as funny as “bedazzled her twat.” Seriously. Say it out loud and try not to laugh. You can’t do it.
“Oh, yeah,” I said after a bit, as a vague remembrance surfaced. “You sent me that link.”
“I did?” She shrugged. “Hmm.”
“How would you do that? Wouldn’t a bedazzler hurt?”
“No, not a bedazzler, sorry, figure of speech. Swarovski crystals, I think her best friend glued them on with . . . something. Probably not Elmer’s.”
I made a face, trying to picture… well… all of it.
“Just so you know,” Jenny said. “I won’t do yours.”
“I’m not asking,” I said. “Call me a prude, but only two people get to see that part of me, and one of them I’m divorcing. The other one bills my insurance for the privilege.”
We chatted a bit about other topics, but it wasn’t long before we circled the wagons back to the fascinating bedazzled vagina.
“How does a person come up with the idea?” I said. “You’re sitting around, bummed about the breakup, you go to your craft table, you see the glue, see the crystals and BOOM, inspiration strikes? She couldn’t have made a picture frame?”
“I think it was her friend’s idea,” Jenny said. “You know, going the extra mile for sisterhood. Maybe there was wine.”
“And really,” I said. “I mean, you and I, we’re close. We live together. But you have to be a very special kind of close with someone to say, ‘I know you’re bummed. How about I come over, make margaritas, watch Pirates of the Carribean and glue crystals to your mons pubis?’”
“I love crafts,” Jenny said, “but I would not do that.”
“Me, either.”
We indulged a moment of contemplative silence, and then Jenny said, “Krissie would.*”
I laughed. “She would! I’d no sooner have the words ‘bedazzle my vulva’ out before she’d be over here with a hot glue gun and a bottle of tequila.”
“She’s a true friend,” Jenny said. “Unlike me.”
We went quiet again, both our little brains computing.
“So… I mean… how would you do that?” I asked. “What kind of glue would you use? And the crystals. Wouldn’t that hurt?”
“Plus there’s the design decisions.”
“I’d want polka dots.”
“But since Krissie is doing it, you’ll get a skull and crossbones. That’ll be a treat for the first guy you date. You take off your pants and he sees a crystal death’s head vulva. Plus imagine the pain. He’d run for the hills.”
“Oh, please,” I said. “He’s a guy. All he’s thinking is, ‘Dig me, I’m getting laid.’ Then the next morning, he looks in the mirror and thinks, ‘Why is my forehead all cut up?’”
And then we laughed hysterically for a really long time. I highly recommend, whenever possible, to have a best friend with similar memory retention living downstairs who thinks your crude jokes are funny.
“So, do you think that’s divorce-crazy** or just crazy-crazy?” I asked finally because, let’s face it, I have a dog in that fight. “It’s all crazy-crazy. Right?”
Jenny patted my shoulder. “Oh, yeah.”***
And then I went upstairs, secure in my knowledge the Jennifer Love Hewitt is crazy-crazy, but also deciding to avoid the crystal aisle at the craft store for a while.
A girl can’t be too careful.
*After a brief conference, we discovered Krissie actually wouldn’t. The woman has boundaries. They’re out there, but she’s got ‘em.
**Jennifer Love Hewitt didn’t get a divorce, it was a bad breakup, which supports the crazy-crazy argument. I jumped to divorce because I’ve got divorce on the brain.
***Yes, we both of us went through this entire conversation without thinking to make the one joke that was begging to be made, a reference to the Glittery HooHa. In our defense, it was low-hanging fruit, but still…
February 10th, 2010 at 6:49 am
OMG you guys…
February 10th, 2010 at 7:05 am
See, I read the title of this post and thought, “Oh that sounds like…no, must be something else.”
Guess not! :+)
February 10th, 2010 at 7:28 am
Oww! It’s not the sticking on that makes me feel squirmy–not that I’d do it–it’s the un-vajazzling.
Lucy, I think you should do a Janet Jackson and go for a tasteful nipple patch instead.
February 10th, 2010 at 7:35 am
Sofie — Um, yeah. The taking them off. Yeowch!
There are just so many OTHER things I can think of to do/deal with a breakup. Or life in general. Lots of them. That one has maybe fallen off the bottom of the list.
February 10th, 2010 at 7:40 am
It’s a SPA TREATMENT! OMG! You and Jenny could go *together* and you’d be paying for it, so it’s almost like your #2 who’s allowed to be down there, but without the insurance coverage.
“Completely Bare, with a Flair” it’s called. C’mon. Think of the bloggy mileage you would get out of that!
Is it weird that I’m really wishing there had been pictures. I mean, it seems like there should be pictures. Maybe not of JLH, but of some random bedazzled hooha…
http://www.stylelist.com/2010/01/13/jennifer-love-hewitt-swarovski-crystal-vajazzle/
February 10th, 2010 at 7:44 am
Thanks for the laugh! What a great way to start my day. Oh, and I definately think that’s crazy-crazy.
February 10th, 2010 at 7:48 am
I’m so disappointed. The whole post I kept waiting for the Glittery Ho-Ha reference and it never came.
However, I did almost spit tea on the keyboard, so all is right in the world.
February 10th, 2010 at 8:07 am
*snort*
February 10th, 2010 at 8:44 am
Some people have more time and money than they have brains.
Well maybe that’s not fair. I’ve had a lot of fun doing henna tattoos on friends. But only in places that the general public could see. If anyone wants a tat “down there” they’re on their own.
(Hey, look at all those theres lined up in a row!)
OK, I admit I thought about for five seconds. And it’s a good thing I didn’t have tea in my mouth because I snorted. I have to say that if I was going to bedazzle myself it would be on my face, or at least some place that someone would SEE it. Otherwise why go to all that trouble.
Thanks for the laugh, Lucy!
February 10th, 2010 at 8:45 am
amazing. it would never occur to me to adhere swarovskis to my naughty bits. it isn’t as though I would be able to see and admire them easily, so what is the point? to show the vajazzles to random passersby in hope of engaging a companion? this seems like an odd tribal ritual from ancient times. i’m not sure which tribe, though.
February 10th, 2010 at 9:34 am
I’m guessing there were a few bottles of wine involved here. LOL! Thanks for the laugh first thing this morning. I’m losing sleep over something here at work and I needed this before preparing for battle.
The scratched up forehead nearly resulted in coffee spewing. That’s so something I’d say. But if you went with some kind of sugar art crystals instead of the real thing, then he could….ah, nevermind.
February 10th, 2010 at 9:43 am
One of my best friends is an aesthetician, and she keeps me, uh, tidy. I allow this because she sees hoohahs on a regular basis and says it’s no different than a friend of hers who does eyebrows. Honestly, the first time, she had me on the table doing a Pilates move before I had processed that. And then it was an image that wouldn’t leave me. So, in the spirit of friendship, I’m passing that image on to all of you. Brianna’s right about the “With A Flair” spa treatment. I called my friend this morning and she’s never personally bedazzled (they use something like an eyelash glue and do an allergy test) but she remembers a few brides being adorned after the completely bare part. This morning she said, “just think of it as a blank canvas”. So I’m thinking, wouldn’t food safe paints be more comfortable?
February 10th, 2010 at 9:47 am
Ahhhhhhahahahahaha! This is the best!
but…holy smokes…the visuals…
February 10th, 2010 at 10:07 am
I want to come to your house and sit at that table. Seriously. I won’t even talk, I’ll just pour the wine. All my friends live too far away and not one of them would use the word ‘twat’ in casual conversation. Well…maybe one, but still…
February 10th, 2010 at 10:20 am
A new test: If his forehead’s cut up in the morning, he’s a keeper. Just sayin’.
February 10th, 2010 at 10:23 am
That is hysterical! I do miss having a friend to laugh with. Since I moved here to rural KY (don’t ask) in 2003 I haven’t made such a connection with anyone except online.
February 10th, 2010 at 10:53 am
OMG. Thank you for keeping me in stitches during the snowpocalypse.
Looking forward to reading your new book when it comes out!
Abbi
February 10th, 2010 at 10:59 am
HILARIOUS!! I love it! Thoughts like that are why I love, and re-re-re-re-read my Rich and Crusie books.
My thoughts as reading your post went immediately to the infamous Brittany Spears crotch-shot picture. Had she had any imagination at all, she would have definitely grabbed the crystals. Although she might not have a true friend to aide and abet. But just think about it if she had, then think about the crotch picture, the paparazzi could have blinded himself with the shot of the crystal crotch! Sort of puts a new twist on the term “family jewels” hmmmm?
February 10th, 2010 at 11:20 am
Very funny. Excellent post.
Good heavens, what will they think of next? It’s a pretty sad world when a gal thinks a guy needs decorations to get turned on. A tattoo I can understand, but crystals are cold.
I loved the line Alec Baldwin said to his ex-wife in the movie, It’s Complicated, about how she’d stopped doing the Brazilian and gone all natural. He had a very happy look on his face. In my opinion it should be warm and inviting down there, not all metallic and glitzy. ; )
February 10th, 2010 at 11:38 am
God, I needed this today. I will never look at a bedazzler the same way, ever again. I’ve seen a lot of crazy women bedazzle a lot of crazy things, including thongs and fingernails, but a bedazzled, glittery hoo ha would take the cake!
February 10th, 2010 at 11:46 am
I’ve seen that JLH interview and I can tell you… crazy-crazy. It’s not normal to let your friends give you a bedazzled hoo-ha. Nope. It’s just not.
Although an aqua dye job and beading a la Bo Derek? Totally normal. Would Jenny do that?
Although- now that I think about it- the first guy who saw that might mistake it for some sort of scary anal bead thing. That could go very, very wrong.
Oh god- I am so inappropriate. You may need to remove this comment. Moving on…
February 10th, 2010 at 11:50 am
I’m with whoever said sugar crystals above and the dinner conversation tomorrow night with my girlfriends is gonna revolve around this very topic. Last time bikini waxing came up in general we all decided we’d be glad to do it and would happily be in line right behind our husbands. Funny, none of them were all THAT curious about the idea.
It does make sense, though, about how one would be able to tolerate the glue and the gems, etc, after having had their hair pulled out by the roots. But imagine walking home after.
I’m using the word twat today. Just to see what happens.
February 10th, 2010 at 11:58 am
I am not (too) ashamed to admit that when I first heard about this I rushed to Google image search. I can’t even begin to wrap my mind about what that has to look like, Or feel like. Google failed me though. Bad Google!
Thanks for the laugh. You’ve made my snowday 300% more awesomer.
February 10th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
This is so funny and brings back memories altho not as extreme. Years ago I taught school with a woman who was recently married. The couple had to live with her parents while a house was being built. Needless to say this really affected their sex life. She admitted to many nights of parking on country roads! She also loved using costumes but one night she got carried away and glued a big, fake jewel in her belly button with airplane glue. After the romantic night, she could not remove the jewel but wasn’t too concerned. As you can guess, the next week she did not teach because she had developed an infection! The doctor gave her a lecture on using appropriate fixative and our secret password in the teacher’s lounge was”remember the jewel” whenever any of us had a hot date scheduled!
February 10th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
I had a conversation with a girlfriend awhile back. We were feeling grateful to have gotten married when we did, since single girls these days have to deal with all this waxing stuff.
Apparently waxing is the least of it.
February 10th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
I’m with ya Briana. I too kept looking for the link to a picture. It’s not that I don’t have plenty of imagination. I guess I’m just one of those train wreck-rubber neckers.
February 10th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Oh my God this is hilarious. I’m sitting here at work laughing out loud!!! You made my day!!
About the vajazzled, well all I can say is YIKES!!
February 10th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
So, I just Google-image-searched “vajazzling”, and if you turn off the SafeSearch controls, there is ONE picture on the first page. I was curious if the design goes on just the “mound” (where the “landing strip” is for women who don’t wax EVERYTHING off) or if it’s actually on the, er, lips. And it appears that it’s a combination. The pic had a design that was sort of a circle, starting on the mound and going down a little ways onto the actual va-jay area. As pics of vajays go, it was rather tasteful.
I don’t know if any of my girlfriends would do this for me. I think my cousin would, if I asked. Which I wouldn’t, Cuz frankly, I just don’t get why anyone would want this. It’s like anal bleaching. What on Earth is the point??
February 10th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Thank goodness I wasn’t drinking anything when I read Erin’s comment.
February 10th, 2010 at 1:06 pm
Ok –
General crazy = ‘there’s something wrong with me’
Crazy crazy = ‘there’s nothing wrong with me that a bedazzled twat won’t fix’
February 10th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I can’t help thinking it would snag your knickers horribly.
February 10th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
OMG, Lily. OW!
February 10th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
1st off, GeorgiePorgie if you’re in the Cinci area, I’m totally jonesing for henna (though not hoohahenna).
2ndly, there are those temporary self-stick jewels at the craft store. Not Swarovski, but you could do a knock-off vazazzle and assuming you mowed the lawn first, it wouldn’t be too painful.
Contemplating clicking “submit” now. That word has so many connotations.
February 10th, 2010 at 2:09 pm
I love you guys.
LOL.
But let’s take it metaphorical shall we?
One of my favourite poems is Maya Angelou’s Still I Rise which has the lines
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Maybe she (JLH) wanted to feel powerful and sexy and figured this was the way to do it? Literally.
February 10th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Okay, so this, THIS, is the post that finally provokes me into commenting.*sigh*
This was supposed to help her get over a break-up? I don’t get it… To me it just says straight out, “Damn! If only it was more glittery, he wouldn’t have left.” And that’s just sad. It seems to me that nothing says, “I’m not getting any anytime soon,” than gluing rocks to your twat. Yeah, I don’t care if they’re sparkly, they’re ROCKS! I agree with the more money than brains theory. When they know they aren’t getting any for awhile, most poor women just go buy new batteries for their vibrator. And trust me, they feel better…
February 10th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
PSA — Yes, Erin is right, though I had to google “vajazzled” to find the picture.
The PSA part? Don’t google any combination with “jewels” and “twat” — especially if your Safe Search is *off.* Seriously, folks. Don’t.
February 10th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
I’m thinking there are women who have gone wayyy beyond the temporary vajazzling right into pube piercing.
I cannot even contemplate the pain factor.
February 10th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
That is so funny! I have to admit that when I went through my divorce I did some pretty crazy things, but nothing as crazy as that! That’s just crazy-crazy!! It just seems very uncomfortable…
February 10th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Every time I go to post here something happens…argh!
Gina – I had to see, too. Thanks for the directions. Whoa. Not as artfully done as I had thought… Not to mention something else I accidentally got a peek of…. a piercing with a dangle-y piece of jewelry… why would you do that?!?
Renee – Brittany needs a BFF like you to remind her of what’s important. If you’re gonna go for a commando paparazzi shot you should shine it up a bit. If anyone is in dire need of some good girlfriends it’s poor Brittany! At least someone to say “oh, you’re wearing THAT to the Grammy’s?”
Keri – I think HoohaHenna will stay in my vocabulary. I shall tuck it in right next to Glittery Hooha.
For J-Love I say good for you, girl. It’s not something I would necessarily do, but hey what ever works for you. Bad break-ups do make us crazy. Even crazy-crazy.
Maybe some vajazzling would have saved Brittany a shaved head and some umbrella smashing?! Who knows.
I love in the write up where the woman says men like it because it’s a surprise. I asked my life hostage if he would like a surprise like that…I don’t know what was funnier his face or the automatic and emphatic “NO”. LOL!
My last thought is about maintenance. How sad it must look after a few crystals fall out. That’s just how my mind works though.
February 10th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Tell you what, I’m not sure about the crystals, but I reckon if you had a partner with a sense of humour, edible glue and some edible cake decorations you could probably have quite a bit of fun. I’m thinking the little silver ball things, crystallised violets, that kind of thing…
See, this is what happens when you post stuff like this. I lose track of where my boundaries are.
February 10th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Now THIS would make a great episode of the Ultimate Cake Off!
February 10th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Terrio, I just spit at my laptop screen!
God, people, this is the funniest thing I have read outside of Jenny’s “Random Sunday: The Bad Parenting Edition.” I will come back to this.
Lucy, thanks for sharing the info and the conversation. It’s way better than when I sat at a party discussing waxing … everything from the neck down, in their opinion. Their husbands were there, too, not saying a word.
Funny funny funny!
February 10th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
I agree with that being Crazy- Crazy. And I think there was a LOT of alcohol involved.
Thank you for the great laugh. My best friend is out of town traveling but I’m gonna email her this link so we can be laughing about the same thing even though were in different places. This is the kind of thing that must be shared!
February 10th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
I have seen a bejewelled yoni/ vulva/ mons pubis before, but it was made of velvet. It was a late night Channel 4 programme (fellow Brits will get the inference here).
February 10th, 2010 at 3:36 pm
I had a friend who had the head of a tiger tattooed on her twat. Apparently the mouth was strategically placed. So the very idea of vajazzling doesn’t shock me.
But, yes, saying it causes giggles.
February 10th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Oh God, low-hanging fruit! Thank you for THAT visual.
February 10th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
As I’m reading this and chuckling, I ask myself, “Hey, Keith. What would you do if you actually saw a vajayjay decorated in such a manner on your current significant other?” It actually required some thought. The gut reaction is to high-five yourself and dive in. After a little thought, it’s somewhat…disturbing. I’m pretty sure that I would be creeped out in no small way. Granted, I would do my best to give it the appreciation that it deserved. An “A” for effort at least! I suppose this is the female equivalent of a guy getting drunk and getting a tattoo on his tool. And no. I wouldn’t do that either. One of the universal constants is that people can be surprisingly strange. I know this, but I am often strangely surprised.
February 10th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Melissa – Ow, ow, OOOOOWWWW! But then, I have a thing about needles.
Vajazzling would make the hooha glittery to anyone who sees it, kind of like a love potion. I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.
Plus, I’m thinking it sounds incredibly uncomfortable. I’m a comfort girl, so I’ll just have the brownie, thanks.
February 10th, 2010 at 4:52 pm
Hey, I happened to have just baked some brownies (low fat w/applesauce) so come sit next to me.
I’ve not been able to get this ridiculous thing out of my head today! It’s along the lines of wearing really awesome undies for yourself so you can be all dressed up inside, right? BUT taken to a bit of an extreme, it sounds. And I’m not even going hunting for the pics. I can totally imagine.
February 10th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
OMG, I laughed so hard at this that the dog came in from the other room to see what’s wrong. Thanks for making my day!
Tawna
February 10th, 2010 at 5:49 pm
oh.my.god. There is a theme going today. I just got back from getting a haircut and my hair dresser (who is one of those people that people tell strange things to), was telling me about her last client who was worried that when she stood up from the chair, her “magical donut” was going to “fall out.” She said it was pretty, so for my hair dresser not to mistake it for something to put in her own hair.
The woman was 84. I. Just. Do. Not. Want. To. Know.
February 10th, 2010 at 6:10 pm
I just posted ““Oh, please,” I said. “He’s a guy. All he’s thinking is, ‘Dig me, I’m getting laid.’ Then the next morning, he looks in the mirror and thinks, ‘Why is my forehead all cut up?’”” in my gchat (by way of avoiding my antagonist’s brainspace for a while).
Almost the entire guild wiped on trash. That seems fitting.
February 10th, 2010 at 6:28 pm
I had a friend who was pierced “down there” and she showed it to us suddenly and for a horrifying-long, silent moment in a cheap, mirrored Reno hotel room in during a college road-trip to Vegas. THAT’s crazy-crazy. Compared to that, the bedazzling sounds kind of sweet. Just a good laugh between friends.
February 10th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
OMG! I just sent this on to a bunch of former co-workers at The Bradford Exchange— a company that makes (among other fine collectibles) porcelain bride dolls featuring Swarovski crystals on their costumes. They’re always looking for a creative new twist on decorating the bride doll…AND THIS IS IT! HA!
There’s another low-hanging fruit joke about “getting the creative juices flowing,” but I’m not gonna go there!
-Diane
February 10th, 2010 at 7:53 pm
My almost 84-year-old grandmother has a prolapsed uterus and it keeps falling out. They briefly gave her a *thing* to shove in to keep it in place. She was not so impressed by that as to call it a “magical donut” but perhaps that’s what the lady was referring to?
My grandmother has opted for surgery because she is sick of the *thing* and her bits falling out all over. Though it would give her MORE to bedazzle. Perhaps I should mention that to her. “If you’re a ‘woman of a certain age’ you can bedazzle all your bits — including that pesky dangling uterus!”
Yeah. I don’t think she’ll be impressed with THAT either.
February 10th, 2010 at 8:10 pm
Okay, anal bleaching????
This tops the friend of a friend who had her hair died Tiffany Blue. A whole new spin on the “little blue box”!
February 10th, 2010 at 9:13 pm
I’m just thinking of some of the super duper x-ray machines that are going in at airports. Would the screener recognize the odd dark spots as vajazzles? How do you explain to your grandfather that you missed his birthday party because your vajazzles caused you to be strip searched at the airport?
February 10th, 2010 at 9:55 pm
*giggles*
Thanks
February 10th, 2010 at 10:03 pm
Briana – your grandmothers UTERUS keeps FALLING OUT! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that one.
I’ve had friends get their “down there” pierced. In various places. My big question was always “if yours is pierced, and his is pierced, can the piercings get stuck like braces?” Vejazzling should at least avoid that issue.
February 10th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I think vejazzling the vajayay sounds great!
I’m getting a “female empowerment” vibe from it. Taking pride in what makes us female by emphasizing our own “family jewels.” And I think you could do it to yourself as long as you had a mirror. No one would even have to know!
Though I guess if you’re the type of woman to decorate your womanhood with crystal, you’re probably the type of woman to let everyone know. Hence JLHew coming out about it on national TV…
Anyway. Good for her. I know too many women with too many hangups about their lady lips. Bring on the crystals and love yourself!
February 10th, 2010 at 10:35 pm
Gina — yeah. That was actually in response to Toni’s comment about the lady at the hair salon. I guess it was sort of random. But yes, it does. She blames her 3 boys, since it’s more common in women who’ve had children. My dad says he’s sure he’ll be in trouble for it, since he was first (oldest) but that it was fine when HE left, so it must be my uncle’s fault!
I like some piercings in various places, but it has never appealed to me to get *there* pierced. I mean, I am uncomfortable when I have a little razor burn or (worse!) that stubble-growing-out feeling down there. Piercing? Um…NO.
February 10th, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Is it just me or are we having problems saying vagina?
February 10th, 2010 at 11:15 pm
I’ve been depressed as hell lately and the people who sent me over here were right — this post (along with memories of the original GHH post) just cheered me right up. I’m giggling. I never giggle.
Someone should alert the Marketing Department at “Hello Kitty.” I mean, really, someday all those little girls will outgrow their overly decorated lunch boxes and… well, it’s just so appropriately inappropriate. I’m thinking this could be quite the niche market for them. So to speak.
February 10th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
Had a good laugh just reading the blog, then I read the comments. Oh, my, my, my, the visuals in my head. Truly a GHH!
February 10th, 2010 at 11:24 pm
I don’t know about the vajazzling, but I once used spirit glue/gum to stick several dozen gummy bears on my friend’s shaved head as a “wig” for a party to which we were supposed to wear hats and he went a little overboard. Kind of pales in comparison to JLH but was still rather extreme.
I’d heard about JLH too, and immediately thought of the Glittery hoo-ha but by the time you wrote this my memory was back to, “No, I didn’t hear about that.” Now all I need is for a good friend to move in upstairs. I’ll settle for one visiting in March, but still. Thanks for the riotous chuckles.
February 10th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
Ok. I don’t know you and I already love you. The image of the sliced up forehead almost made me lose all the iced tea I drank about an hour ago.
By the way, I can say vagina. (I can say all the V words!…though I can only think of 3…)
February 10th, 2010 at 11:41 pm
Kate D – That’s how I feel, too! If you want your girlie bits to shine like a disco ball…go for it. Girl Power.
Melissa Blue – I’ve seen twat here more times than I’ve heard it said aloud this year. Somehow I don’t think vagina is being avoided
I think it’s not colorful enough for this crowd!
February 11th, 2010 at 2:46 am
As a woman with a clitoral hood piercing, I’ve got to put my two cents in. It’s not for everyone, and my advice is that if the idea bothers you, don’t do it. However, it worked for me.
I apprenticed for a short while with a body piercer after I left my husband. (My crazy manifested as apprenticing a piercer and swing dancing. I ain’t right.) As my graduation present, I got the hood of my clitoris pierced. It was a way for me to re-claim myself. To have something intimate that my husband had never seen.
Ten years on, and I still have the piercing. What can I say? It’s fun and a little bit naughty. And before I met the bundle of awesome that is Beloved Boyfriend, it was a useful directional aid to the occasional visitor.
Yes, it hurt, but not a lot. It was like getting a really pinchy-pinch. Nice thing about the genitals, they heal super-fast. The clitoral hood piercing healed more quickly and more comfortably than my belly piercing.
So there you go.
February 11th, 2010 at 3:41 am
You could bedazzle your breasts. That’d be fun and shouldn’t be painful. Golden stars made out of crystals.
No? Oh well.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:54 am
Okay. I’m so hesitant to comment, because right now there are 69 comments and there’s something poetic about that, but you all are so hilarious, I can’t help it. Plus, if I don’t post and ruin it, someone else will.
Melissa – I think we can all say vagina. It’s just that it’s a bit technical, and also, since the vagina is the inner shaft, not technically correct. (Right? Vagina’s the inside?) As a matter of fact, there’s really NO word that’s quite right for everything here. I mean, vulva is interior – is labia interior? I think so, right? Or is there an inner and outer labia? Because it’s definitely the outer labia that’s what we’re really talking about. Although mons pubis, if they’re vajazzling the upper area, is also technically correct. But they’re all such dry, clinical words. Ugh.
But then you’ve got twat, which is really funny, if a little crude, but I’m not sure if it refers to inner or outer or the whole shebang. I like girly bits and naughty bits – and when I say naughty here, I mean it in the best possible way – but it feels just a bit precious, like I can’t say vagina. Which I can, I just don’t want to, because my business is words and it’s not a great word.
There are only two words I don’t like and they are p***** and c***. (I’m not trying to be precious, but I also don’t want my own spam filter deciding I can’t post here. I’ve had similar issues recently on a board where I didn’t ever post anything remotely bad, and I had to waste hours researching and fixing it, so I’m protecting my time, not my reputation, which is already in tatters, the way I like it.) So. Anyway. I don’t like p**** because it feels like a word that guys use to make it cute and non-threatening, rather than acknowledging it for its ultimate power to shoot out LIFE. (I mean, THINK about what it can DO.) I don’t like c*** because it’s an aggressive and violent word, and it shows no respect.
Anything else I can say, I just feel like it’s a bunch of words for a lot of different parts, and none of them represent the cosmetic angles on it adequately. We need a new word, is what we need.
February 11th, 2010 at 8:14 am
I loved this. This was a fabulous way to wake up this morning, made all the better by my hot coffee and the fact that I did not snort it at the screen somehow.
By the way- a friend of mine developed the word “twunt” for a little extra punch.
February 11th, 2010 at 8:26 am
Sorry Keri – I’m in the frozen North East, although not the snowy part. This is the strangest winter ever.
This post (and comments) was good for a second laugh today. How I love the collective imagination here!
February 11th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
So many great snortable moments on this one! my fav is
“it was a useful directional aid to the occasional visitor”
I love the conversations here!
February 11th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
So many memorable quotes here ladies. Thanks for giving me so many laughs this morning. The blog itself was enough to have me crying from laughing so much but the comments that came after were priceless. Thank you.
February 11th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
First I’m not trying to be precious, but I also don’t want my own spam filter deciding I can’t post here.
That’s hilarious.
Second, I was seeing a whole lot of *there* and recently I saw a talk at TED with the woman who created The Vagina Monologues. There are a whole lot of names used, but no not one of them can really describe. Just thought it interesting with the plethora of words *there* kept coming up.
February 11th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Briana, that just scared the hell out of me (but your dad’s response cracked me up). But bedazzling the bits… okay, I am dying laughing. I’d want to see the paramedics’ faces when I croaked and those parts were bedazzled. Damn.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
A note of medical information-any woman can prolapse-my sister prolapsed at the age of 47. She was in the shower and had no idea what had happened. She now wears an interior ring to hold the uterus in place. The only other choice she had was surgery and removal of the uterus. The doctor said large babies and heavy lifting are two causes.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:35 pm
The scratched up forehead. I’m still laughing. How did I miss this yesterday???
And, props to Keith for weighing in!
I’m sending my sister in to read this link.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
Yesterday I sent the link to this post to 3 friends. One sent it to one friend (who is potentially likely to actually DO this). Another friend shared with two friends who then shared on their blogs and one on Facebook. Lucy: you got a lot of new exposure yesterday. Just not in the shiny-shiny way.
And who in the hell would tell the talk show host “I wore pink (jewels) for you”? I mean, hell, why not just take him back stage and SHOW him? Imagine going to a job interview and saying “I wore my black lace panties for you today.”
February 11th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Okay. I am now adding you to my Google reader. Anyone who has discussions like this is my kind of people.
You make me miss my Best Friend who lived with me until The Cowboy came and stole her from me.
Take it from me.
Don’t let your friend date.
February 11th, 2010 at 11:07 pm
I took a quick look at an anatomy site (3dvulva (dot) com) and it seems that the entire area of female genitals that are visible would be called the vulva. (Trying to avoid Swedish auto jokes…not easy.)
Wow. Damn my curiosity. Then again, nah. I like learning stuff.
February 12th, 2010 at 1:22 am
(this post caused nothing short of hilarity at work tonight, though said hilarity would cause your spam filter to spasm out of control and perhaps run shrieking into next Tuesday. oh, and speaking of, Muscio’s book, titled C***, actually has some interesting stuff in it and I (mostly) enjoyed it)
February 12th, 2010 at 2:16 am
*snicker*
Different strokes, for different folks.
*wah-hah-hah-hah-hah!*
And so on and so forth and shooby-dooby-dooby.
Hey, you gotta get through crazy however you can. Better than taking the guy back, I guess (-:.
How funny, though. I’m reminded of Mr. Bennett’s line in Pride and Prejudice about how we live to provide mirth for the neighbors, and vice versa (-:.
February 12th, 2010 at 2:24 am
Had such a good giggle yesterday, I came back for more. I missed the “what happens when a few crystals fall out.” Still love the cut up forehead visual. Lucy – I agree those words should not be in anyone’s vocabulary. I am sending this to my cousin. Still laughing. This and the GHH. Too funny!
Kudos to Keith for comments, any more brave men out there?
February 12th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Wow, I don’t think this one is going to die down.
p.s. Love it Keith!
February 12th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
Now that you are bedazzled, you should take “Vag” out because otherwise she is all dressed up with no place to go… And not like your normal weekend where you wake up hung over and stare bleary-eyed around at a strange bed and strange bed-mate and say, “OMG, Vag, what have you gotten me into this time?” Take her somewhere special like the Junior Prom in high school. I hear women say that it is all downhill after you have the dress and shoes. Well, in this case, she already has the dress and she will not need shoes…
February 12th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Thanks for the laugh today! I needed it!!!
And I can’t imagine what your site meter keyword/search analysis is going to turn up this week!!!
February 13th, 2010 at 8:37 pm
Hilarious! I had to read it to my brother who also couldn’t stop laughing =)
February 21st, 2010 at 3:45 pm
http://www.dailycandy.com/all-cities/article/80099/Stript-Wax-Bars-Vajacial
Seriously…a hoohah facial?
March 1st, 2010 at 11:16 am
Yes, this is weeks too late and no one will ever see it, but I just had to post the link. Vajazzling, anyone?
http://www.thefrisky.com/tag/vagina/