500: Therapy With Dr. Susan
Posted by Lucy on January 23rd, 2010. Filed under: Divorce Crazy, Family, For Better or Worse.Every Monday when I’m freaking out, and every other Monday when I’m doing okay, I go spend some time with Dr. Susan, my therapist. When I was hunting down therapists, I got a list that my insurance would pay for, and I did internet searches on them. Very little showed up aside from listings in professional organizations and yellow pages. One woman on the list appeared to be a Reiki specialist, and while I definitely appreciate the metaphysical arts, I felt that a more traditional problem like divorce and the attending divorce-induced crazy required a more traditional therapist. My demands were few; I wanted only someone who was older than me and smarter than me. Finally, when searching Dr. Susan’s name, I stumbled upon an obscure mention in which someone quoted a published paper she’d done some years ago (older!) and said it was brilliant (smarter!). Even though it was the internet, which is about as reliable as the rhythm method, it was the most information I’d been able to find about any of the potentials, so I pulled the trigger and signed up.
I got lucky.
What I love about Dr. Susan (not her real name) (well, not all of her real name) is that she doesn’t just nod and say, “How do you feel about that?” She listens, and then when I’m laying out a solid groundwork of bullshit – as, unintentionally, I am sometimes wont to do – she smells it immediately and says, “No. That’s not your problem. This is your problem,” and I pause and realize she’s right. Sometimes that pause doesn’t come until later in the week, but it comes and, invariably, she’s right. She was the one who told me I was a parentified child, something that had never even occurred to me, and she also told me that I had intimacy and trust issues. Duh, but still – I hadn’t seen it. She also told me something else that I find really interesting.
She says the definition of adulthood is no longer caring what other people think.
I still haven’t wrapped my mind around that entirely. I thought the definition of adulthood was being able to take care of yourself, to function as an adult. Paying your bills, getting your kids off to school, putting food on the table. Being a grown-up.
But she keeps saying it – the definition of adulthood is no longer caring what other people think. And she keeps saying it to me, so I have a feeling she’s waiting for me to absorb something here. So, I’ve started thinking about it.
I have always thought I was the kind of independent spirit who didn’t care much what people thought. I mean, I can handle nasty book reviews, they don’t bother me much. I’m unhappy being heavy because it’s uncomfortable, not because I feel like I have to maintain some societally defined definition of beauty. Hell, I brought the dog to the vet this morning in a sweatshirt and my pajama pants, made chit-chat with the vet ladies, didn’t faze me in the least if they thought I was homeless or insane.
And then, as I was driving home, it hit me.
It’s not about society, the readers on Amazon, or the vet ladies. Not that they’re not all lovely people, they are, but if they think I’m a slob or an idiot, it really doesn’t affect my day. If adulthood is defined by not caring what other people think, it’s defined by not caring what the important people think. Spouses, parents, siblings, friends… and holy hell, have I wrapped myself into a pretzel trying to please these people, trying to control what they think of me. And see… that’s my problem. That’s where it falls apart, at the pretzel.
And yet… I’m wondering. If people are truly important to us, shouldn‘t we care what they think? Or maybe we should just care how they feel? And maybe we should realize – and by “we,” dear reader, I mean me – that we can’t control their happiness by being what we believe they want us to be. Maybe we should realize that we – yes, still me – are not so all-important that by merely being the us we think they want, we can make their lives 100% better. Maybe we should realize that we can only contribute to their happiness by loving them honestly and genuinely, and if they love us honestly and genuinely in return, that will be enough.
I’m unable to provide answers on this one. As you can see, I’m still wrassling with it myself. But still… I think it’s an interesting question, and I care what you think so… what do you think?
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January 23rd, 2010 at 8:35 am
I think there’s a bit of a hierarchy to caring what people think for me. I love lots of people whose choices are made in ways I do NOT want to emulate. I don’t really care what they think about my choices as long as they don’t attack me with their opinions. I care if my choices hurt them, but that only factors in so far as I’ll avoid it if possible. If taking care of myself hurts them because of THEIR destructive habits, I can’t do anything about that.
But then there are the people who I respect profoundly — some of them I love, but not all of them. What THOSE people think about my actions matters to me, because they are living the kind of authentic lives that I aspire to. I have one very good friend who left her husband (a perfectly decent guy that she cared about) because he wasn’t interested in growing as a person, and she was. Over the years I have watched her reflect deeply on her life and change what needs changing. I’ve watched her be brave and struggle and get a little bit more incredible each day. I care what she thinks about my choices because that’s the kind of life I want for myself. I don’t care whether she approves of my final decisions so much as I care what she thinks of the process I used to arrive at that decision. I want to walk the same kind of walk she does, not arrive at the same destination.
I have other friends like that, too, and some people that I just admire from afar
but they don’t overlap perfectly with the group of people that are important to me because I love them or see them regularly.
I read somewhere recently: your life will almost certainly reflect that of the five people closest to you in your peer group. The author was basically saying that doesn’t mean you should trade in the people you love for people who are more perfect according to whatever standard you’re going for (career success, Martha Stewartyness, Great Hair), it just means that you select the people you compare yourself to carefully based on how you want to be in the world. I like that idea.
January 23rd, 2010 at 8:38 am
Tough question.
) and maybe you should always act/behave in a manner that is true to yourself. But I do think you need to consider your loved ones to some degree so that you don’t actively do something so selfish that it actually hurts them. If you’re picking up on what they want you to be, how they want you to act (and it does seem as if you pick up on these things quickly), maybe you could reflect back their desire by simply saying “I think you want me to be more X, but it’s just not me. I don’t have what you need.” Then maybe continue with what you can offer (if you are so inclined).
Maybe we shouldn’t care what others think about our personal preferences and idiosynchrosies (white wine, polka dots, politics, romance books, tendency to make obscure references – hey, this is about you
Not sure if this makes sense – I’m looking forward to seeing other thoughts here…
January 23rd, 2010 at 8:39 am
ps I love reading your blog in the morning. It makes me think deeply about happiness while I drink my coffee. Thank you.
January 23rd, 2010 at 8:43 am
This is something I struggle with all the time. Being myself and someone I like, doing the things that amuse/please/sustain me is often at odds with the person who wants everyone she cares about to be happy. Here’s the thing, if I am as important to them as they are to me, if it’s a healthy relationship, they want me to be happy too. So I am my loud opinionated self, respectful when opposing their beliefs/desires. I try to find common ground. Today we do their thing, tomorrow mine etc. I care what they think, just like I hope they care what I think/feel. Just no more pretzel twisting over it all.
January 23rd, 2010 at 9:27 am
I still think there are times that it matters, BUT I also think it’s like cold-turkey quitting. You have to STOP before you can even begin to try to determine if you should worry about it or not, because once you stop you will see that it really wasn’t as important as you were making it. And you can more easily see if/when it is going to really matter.
And, really, it might not matter. I still struggle with it too, so certainly can’t answer the question!
But, maybe, think of yourself as “that other person” — sometimes I’ll do something and my friends — the ones who call me on my bullshit — will ask, “would you expect one of US to do that for so-and-so?” Um. No. Right. So why do I expect myself to go through all that crap for someone else? Somewhere in there is (for me) it’s own brand of narcissism and self-centered and ego the size of…the Great Wall, visible from Space. But the idea that I have to do all this stuff for everyone else to make everyone else OK. I really don’t have to do that to myself and it doesn’t work. Trying to treat myself and have the same expectations of myself as I would of a friend can be helpful for me to see where it gets to be stupid and where it is being thoughtful or kind or whatever.
January 23rd, 2010 at 11:00 am
Nope, I don’t think we should care what our loved ones think about us. But we should have faith that they accept us as we are, just as we accept them for who they are. Remember, you owe nobody a reason for what you choose to do, unless it’s a member of law enforcement.
I’ve been through a major people pleasing personality disorder : ) and survived. I used to build up my friends to everyone and never bring forth my own accomplishments. One day my ex asked me why I did that. I had no answer. It was years before I realized I felt inferior, and by noting my friends strengths and complimenting them, I was in some strange way building myself up merely by association. I wanted, needed desperately to be liked, to be loved. It doesn’t work that way, believe me.
The other thing is being a pleaser takes too much effort. It’s damn tiring. If you let all that go and just be yourself I swear people like you more for having honest feelings, for being able to say no without being hurtful, for expressing an opinion that is truly yours even if it isn’t politically correct or well practiced. There’s a freshness in being with someone like that, it’s like a warm gentle breeze that wraps around you. When there are no pretenses, you know what you’re getting and there’s a built in safety that allows you to be equally as genuine in return.
January 23rd, 2010 at 11:14 am
I feel (and by Dr. Susan’s definition) like I grew up about 4 years ago. Before that I would have turned myself inside out to become the person a guy would like, but finally around the age of 58, I said, whoa, way too much trouble and work to do that. And then I found Steve. Even if I’d like to change stuff about me to be a better (more perfect) person, I know much of that is beyond me. I am me and I’m — now — pretty damned comfortable with me. Steve is too.
January 23rd, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Skipping straight to commenting over reading other responses –
I think its not that we should not just not care what the important people think, it is how do we respond to what they think?
Do we take their opinion which might be “you can’t” and then completely subjugate our deep need to try to – learn to tango, pilot a plane, speak in public …fill in yours, these aren’t even mine!
It’s about being active in our worlds rather than reactive to situations and opinions that we face daily.
We don’t need to comply with the opinion, we need to decide on our own that we – DO look better with 5 extra pounds, CAN go back to college at 47, CAN learn to paint … fill in yours.
And I’m glad I got that out. I’m still learning to do this act instead of react – so much so that I picked random examples rather than my own!
January 23rd, 2010 at 1:13 pm
There’s a huge difference between not caring about the impact of one’s behavior on others and not caring about what they think. We can’t control what they think, but can control our behavior. If we are making decisions based on our true feelings about what is right, then we can also respond respectfully and firmly to any response generated by the behavior.
I’m not there yet: an awful lot of what I do (and don’t do) is based on what I feel like at the moment (including lounging around reading trashy novels on a Saturday morning – it was lovely!), as opposed to chosen in alignment with my deepest values. Not that I’m against lounging or reading trashy novels, I just wish I could get to the point where I waited to do it until I had a reasonable amount of work done for the day.
But it is extremely wonderful to not particularly care what others think. I do still want to make positive impressions on people – but it’s based on who I want to be (as I said, not there yet! but working on it), rather than who they want me to be. Because it is good to have pleasant interactions with people, but not if it’s implying a promise to be something for them that I can’t manage.
January 23rd, 2010 at 1:48 pm
It occurred to me that, perhaps, what Dr. Susan means about “not caring” being a definition of adulthood is that, when we do things because they are for other people,we’re not really taking responsibility for our choices: I’m doing this for him or her or because those are the rules, rather than “I choose this, knowing that no course is perfect or without risk, but in my judgment, this is the right thing to do”.
Your journey is keeping me thinking!
January 23rd, 2010 at 1:55 pm
I say, as many others already have, you are reading my thoughts and, I might add, expressing them much more clearly than I have been able to. After the breakup of a 17 year relationship and three years of crazies later… still trying to put the pieces of my who-am-I-life together when someone wants to know, “So, how are you doing Karen?” I’ve had two, basically, standard responses which, depend on who’s asking are…
)”only because I secretly know what F.I.N.E. stands for, and 2. “Still flippin’ out-of-my-mind hurt and angry”… it seems I am either On or Off, animated for social acceptance, or locked up in my house in various stages of self-acceptance that come and go… However, now I refer the concerned masses to your blog… read Lucy… THAT is how I am doing.
1. “(o: Fine
Not caring about what other people (IMPORTANT people… yes!) think… Hmmmmm, very confusing. “I must care what they think…” for tightly holding hands with, and jogging along side of, that statement is… “… because that shows I care about how they FEEL”… Okay, so I am not a grown up then… Cripes, after all this time, all these years, two grown sons.
I am sorry to say Lucy that when you look up, from being face down on the, uh, wrassling mat you’ll see me… dazed, confused, and apparently completely immature, or can I just be child-like, that sounds so much more compassionate. I don’t want to care what other people think… I pretend I don’t care what other people think… I have serious doubts about what other people think… and yet here I am. I isolate myself whenever possible so I don’t have to come into contact with other people and they damn thinking.
January 23rd, 2010 at 2:01 pm
EDIT: …their damn thinking.
January 23rd, 2010 at 2:43 pm
I think its not that we should not just not care what the important people think, it is how do we respond to what they think?
This resonated the most. Being aware helps you re-learn and those actions done often enough become new route memory/reaction. I’ve had my share of therapy and the one thing that I walked away with was the ability to stop and think about why I was doing something or why I was reacting in a certain way. The mere feeling of being helpless can unravel me. Some days I can stop myself mid-meltdown, pinpoint that my situation is hitting that emotional trigger, and allow myself to see the reality–I’m not really helpless. I can do this, this and this.
But I think the problem stems from you (I’m talking me here.
) didn’t learn the proper way to handle our trigger. The visceral reaction was self-taught and not healthy, in my case that’s not asking for help and placing the weight of the world on my shoulders. In your case it’s pretzling. What IS the right way to handle the situaton? because I truly think I was in the right ballpark. Being responsible and not running for help at every sign of trouble. It’s knowing when I’ve stepped into the unhealthy minefield before I’m already knee-deep in it.
January 23rd, 2010 at 3:20 pm
I completely agree with Dr. Susan. At the ripe age of 31, I am still not able to purchase a pregnancy test at a drug store without blushing. Nay- I can’t even purchase tampons without flushing pink from head to toe. So clearly- not an adult yet.
And still, I can function independently. But I really, really care about what my mother-in-law thinks about me. So clearly- not an adult yet. When I can hang a hula skirt shower curtain in my bathroom without thinking, “Crap. She’s really going to hate this thing,” I’ll be a grown up. Or maybe I’m a grown up because I hung it anyway? Deep Thoughts.
So yeah, Dr. S is a smart chickadee. Keep her around.
January 23rd, 2010 at 3:38 pm
This makes me wish very much that we were local to Ohio; my husband could SRSLY benefit from your Dr. Susan.
January 23rd, 2010 at 4:07 pm
I think the difference isn’t in not caring what other people think it’s in not twisting yourself into something you think they want you to be. When maybe they don’t even want you to be that. It’s in not giving up yourself to someone else’s opinion.
For example, my father doesn’t like my husband. My husband thinks I am the most wonderful thing on the planet. He does everything in his power to encourage me and help me be happy. He has been the bright, shining light in my life for the last seven years and I honestly don’t know what my life would be like without him. He provides for me in every possible way.
But, my dad doesn’t like him.
I do. And I don’t care what my dad thinks. I love my dad but I’m not sacrificing my happiness for him. I’m not leaving my husband to go find a cattle farmer and spend the rest of my life broke and up to my knees in cow crap. Sorry, it ain’t happening.
I have spent a lot of time tying myself into knots to make people happy, the be what I thought they wanted me to be. I have a very hard time expressing who I really am and not who my mother thinks I should be. I have a very hard time liking things she doesn’t like (because that was oh so not allowed when I was growing up, we all had to agree with her) and if I do I don’t express my opinion. I still get nervous if I have to tell her I disagree with her. For the record, I’ll be 40 in 41 days.
January 23rd, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Well, I’m not sure what anyone else said, because I don’t care enough about what they think about me….wait, that’s not right. O.k. I’m not sure that “caring” is the right idea. I think being grown up isn’t about not caring. I think it’s about caring more about ME and what I think about me than I do what YOU think about me. As in, not letting your opinion convince me to be less than authentic about who/what I am. So I care if you think I’m a dipshit because I spent my money on ‘x’, but I am not going to feel guilty or “less than” just because of your opinion.
So Stuart Smalley and I will sit in front of our mirrors and repeat, “I”m good enough, I’m nice enough……”
January 23rd, 2010 at 4:32 pm
That very revelation was the single, most awesome, moment in my life.
It doesn’t mean that other people don’t matter, far from it. It means that you have compassion for yourself–for what makes you happy. And a happy mom, friend, sister is a joy for others.
(hug)
January 23rd, 2010 at 5:22 pm
One thing to remember is that the people around you are not seeing you through clear, objective lenses. They are only human beings. And human beings can’t help having skewed perspective. When they judge you, or make you feel judged, it has as much, if not more, to do with their own insecurities as your flaws… if that makes any sense. What’s right, what’s important… these are things we must decide for ourselves. It’s not like everyone else possesses a definitive rulebook, and all you got was a vague understanding. I would say it all comes back to that extremely important concept that you’ve referred to quite a bit in these blogs… finding the honesty. If something honestly feels okay to you, it really shouldn’t matter what anybody else thinks, not even the important people.
And just another thought, I know that personally, I hold myself to standards that I would never apply to the people I love. (This is why I almost always let myself down which leads to the guilt… but I’m working on it.) And the people I love do not hold me up to impossible standards. Sometimes we disagree, but they are not looking for ways to judge me. In fact, when I’m hard on myself, they’re there to remind me what’s good about me. Just from reading your blog postings, it’s obvious that you’ve got a ton of great qualities: humor, brains, talent, heart, love for your children… what gives somebody else the authority to say that that’s not enough?
P.S. Doctor Susan sounds awesome! I’ve toyed with the idea of therapy at different times in my life, but the prospect of sorting through the information and finding the right therapist is so daunting that I’ve not yet taken the plunge.
January 23rd, 2010 at 5:47 pm
I’ve been following along, although this is the first time I’ve posted. Lucy’s description of her marriage sounds somewhat similar to mine, with two exceptions, 1) I’m still in mine and 2) my kids are very happy with us together. So it’s much harder to decide to leave. But I sort of inadvertently learned the message of this post. About a year ago when I was so fed up I was ready to leave, I quit caring what my husband thought and just started pleasing myself (within the parameters of still taking care of my kids). And our marriage over the course of about three months got SO much better that now I’m thinking we might stay together after all. Jury’s still out. But thanks for writing this post, I hadn’t really managed to figure out exactly what was going on until reading your experience. Tell Dr. Susan thanks from all of us.
January 23rd, 2010 at 5:49 pm
p.s. that definitely was NOT intended to imply you should have stayed in your marriage, and just tried harder. I hope it didn’t sound that way.
January 23rd, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Sari – there’s a post coming in a few days that kind of clarifies – no one ever asked me to hide who I really was, or really judged me at all. I judged myself for them, and I projected those thoughts and feelings on them. I never gave them a chance to judge me, so they really can’t be blamed. That aside, I get what you’re saying – even if we are judged, it’s like what I tell Light when she says Sweetness called her stupid: “Well, does her saying it make you stupid? No.”
If only I could incorporate the wisdom I inflict on my daughters…
Barb, I didn’t take it that way at all. I’m so glad things got better for you in your marriage. Had I realized this some years ago, we might have been able to save it, too. I know I worked as hard as I could, and I know I just don’t have anything left in me to give it, which is sad, but the plain truth. I need out, because I can’t stay in anymore. But yay for you! I think if you can at all save a marriage, that’s wonderful. I’ll never feel like any of your successful marriages has anything in the least to do with me, don’t worry. And thanks for chiming in!
January 23rd, 2010 at 6:23 pm
I care about the opinions of the people I love. Where their values or ideals or plans clash with my own, I listen to their reasoning and reevaluate my position. If I still think my way is right for me, I just smile and explain that my values or plans differ from theirs. Then I point out that diversity is a good thing, and that the strength of our bond (husband/wife, parent/child, or friends) comes not just from the things we have in common but from valuing our differences.
I’ve learned to phrase this in lots of different ways, and so far no one has caught on that I’m really just saying the same thing each time.
Then I say something nice about how well whatever we’re talking about works for them.
Of course, if they’re expressing racist or otherwise abhorrent ideas (hello, Grandma!), then I just give them my sad look and offer my hope that the anger and unpleasantness they’re carrying around in them doesn’t pull any of the joy from their own life, because I love them too much to want anything for them but peace and happiness.
So I have good friends from many different backgrounds with wildly varied beliefs, and I love them all. My husband, who wants to travel constantly, has learned to love his travel on his own in addition to the six or seven trips a year on which I agree to join him.
So I’m happy now with how I deal with the opinions of others. It may not be perfect, and it’s not for everyone, but it works for me.
January 23rd, 2010 at 7:18 pm
JenT…
Talk about being “pink”.
Be a 17 year old clueless male and told to go across the street and buy a package of Kotex by my boss. (These were cut into small pieces and used to absorb oil in the 35 mm movie projectors we operated.)
Whee!
January 23rd, 2010 at 7:27 pm
Louis
That is so funny, poor you. Hope you have a good laugh about it now.
January 24th, 2010 at 12:53 am
I’ve never heard this definition for being an adult, but I like it. I agree with many points made above. Make the decisions that are right for you and your happiness, but at the same time, do no harm. Or maybe do as little harm as possible.
January 24th, 2010 at 3:42 am
Hi! I leapt over here from Jenny’s blog and I have to say that what you are dealing with really resonates with me.
What I get from what Dr. Susan said is “the definition of an adult is being able to hear other’s opinions without letting it define you.”
It’s not that you don’t care- it’s that you don’t let it change the fundamentals of who you are. I think many children who grew up with immature/ dysfunctional parents have this problem. I know my own parents were very withholding and conditional in their approval, so I was trained at a very young age to be ‘helpful’ and quiet, and to subjugate my own interests,desires and feelings in order to be accepted. I never realized that other parents did things with their kids and actually talked to them in a non-derogatory way until I was in my late twenties.
January 24th, 2010 at 11:33 am
I think it gets hard because we, especially women, have to wear so many different hats. We are to coworkers different from who we are with friends, children, spouses, etc., and that’s as it should be, but I think we can often lose ourselves in the process of so many wardrobe changes– emotionally speaking of course. And I think to some extent, we never fully get rid of that awkward teenager who lived in the microcosm of high school and survival meant marching to the beat of everyone else’s drum. Wow, can I mix metaphors or what! Love your blog Lucy.
January 24th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
You know, I care what other people think because it’s sometimes interesting and sometimes helpful. What I don’t give a damn about is whether they approve. It was trying to get everybody’s approval that made me into a pretzel for forty years. The minute I could take somebody’s opinion and say, “Thank you, that was lovely, but now I’m going over here,” that was a good day.
January 24th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Glynis – compassion for yourself is such a wonderful thing. Amazing we don’t allow ourselves to feel it more often.
Jenny – excellent distinction. Approval schmapproval.
January 24th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
I have to agree with Jenny also. When I realized that I was never going to get my parents approval without being someone I didn’t want to be – life became simpler. Approval from anyone ceased to be important.
I like the definition. I think it is a little simplistic in that it could be misinterpreted.
My nephew definitely doesn’t care what family, friends or anyone thinks of him & believe me, he isn’t an adult. He doesn’t work & he isn’t responsible for himself in any way. Of course, his parents also aren’t adults because they support him & let him be a burden to them.
January 24th, 2010 at 7:54 pm
This is resonating for me too, because I’m a recovering people-pleaser.
For me, it’s as if there are two kinds of “care”. There’s the no-boundaries “care”, where I look outside myself for definition, approval, etc., and do whatever I have to, to get that approval, because what you think is more important than what I think. And then there’s the other kind of “care”, where I take what you want and think and I consider it, because I like harmony in my relationships. However, if what you want means I have to give myself up, well, I’m going with me.
Weirdly enough, respecting my desire for harmony in my relationships has been the trickiest thing to learn. It’s hard to do that and not cross over into making-everybody-happy-no-matter-what-it-takes country. But I think working on it is worth it.
January 24th, 2010 at 11:16 pm
“Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that is waht determines, or rather indicates, hist fate.” Henry David Thoreau
I was looking through my quotes for a friend and came across this one and thought of what you had posted.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:41 am
Hmmmm. That’s a puzzler. No, I reject that. We have to care what other people think, or we create a dysfunctional society. But, being an adult might be balancing our needs with what other people need.
To tell the truth, it’s extremely important to care about what other people think — as far as littering, or cutting someone off in traffic or other things we do in society. If we don’t care, we act erratically, and things just don’t go smoothly. If we all care, and are considerate, it’s definitely an easier society to live in.
Weight issues, to some extent, may be something we should care about, just for our own health.
However, it’s all about balance. Caring so much that we become agoraphobic: bad. Or anorexic: bad. Or caring what the other thinks, but the other could care less: bad.
Very tough problem, and I think it has stumped philosophers through the ages.
January 26th, 2010 at 9:47 am
But do you pick up after yourself or behave courteously in traffic because of what other people think? Or do you do it because of what you think?
Speaking for myself, I don’t litter and I don’t cut people off because I don’t like that behavior. I wouldn’t like myself if I did them, so I don’t do them. I agree that there are behaviors that contribute to a just, fair and courteous society, but I perform them to contribute, not because of what people think.
January 27th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Lucy, I never respond to blogs and don’t read them often but a friend of mine follows yours and sent this message to me. I too have struggled with this exact thing, my wonderful therapist tells me that Mother Theresa said something like she strives each day to neither be swayed by praise or criticism. (Mother Theresa who did so much good and was praised and criticized a lot, she had to work on stuff like this too) My therapist encourages me to to feel good about the me inside and not judge myself by “others” opinions.
This has been a daily struggle for me but I give you hope that each day I practice this new thought pattern I get better and better at it.
I think when we loose who we truly are inside because we are trying so hard to make those we love happy we need to make a change and find ourselves again.
Best luck to you as you refocus your life and become you again or for the first time.
January 29th, 2010 at 12:27 am
Hmmm, been thinking about this quite a bit the last few days, and I still reject it, but it may be a case of semantics.
I was just listening to a song on the radio by a guy, and the guy was despairing “I was so selfish, I didn’t think about you at all, blahblahblah” (well, paraphrased such). And yeah, this seems to be a problem, too. You think maybe it might chromosomal disease? Two Xs tend to mean you give too much of yourself, while a broken X means you tend to not give enough. (-: Nah, I didn’t think so, either. We all know selfish women, we all know giving men.
Katy makes a good point, though, that I can’t coherently refute. I would like to say that we don’t litter or whatever because we hear “mommy” or other authority figure in our head saying, “you can’t do that — we have to think of others.” But maybe it boils down to caring about others, not just what they think.
Anyway, I’d like to redefine adulthood this way: adulthood is when you care what others think, but you are moved to act/behave out of compassion, not out of guilt or fear. And the compassion is important — like feeling. Giving and giving without taking (like Barry Manilow’s Mandy) isn’t very healthy, either.
(-: I’m just rambling here . . . . May come back to this later.