454: Commentary
Posted by Lucy on March 10th, 2010. Filed under: Uncategorized.I wanted to have a day here for us to chat, as Betties. The truth is, that while this all started as my blog for me to vomit forth endless blah blah blah about me, it’s become something a lot bigger than that – it’s a community. The good part of this blog – the discussion – is property of the Betties, and by the end of the day, this place about so much more than me and my life. It’s about all of us, and I think that’s amazing. I’m proud to be a part of this.
That said, I want to address some things, just to grease the wheels of our discourse and keep it running smooth. This is hands-down the most respectful, uncontentious online community I’ve ever seen. I love it. Smart, supportive, grounded Betties, all of us, and that rocks. So, when I come here talking about arguing and conflict, you have to understand, this is conflict on a Betty scale, which probably wouldn’t even get noticed other places. You all have been great, and very respectful of each other. But when I see even the potential for a topic to get a little hot, I come in and dump water on it fast, because I don’t want anyone’s ass getting singed on my campfire. That usually results in a Betty feeling bad, like she’s* done something wrong, and then she might start to feel like she has to walk on eggshells, and I really don’t want that, either. I want this to be a safe place for discussion, because we’re discussing some mighty tender things here. At the same time, I don’t want people feeling like they have to tiptoe around here, either. So here are the rules, the way I see it.
1. Disagreement is okay, but it must always be expressed with respect and kindness. Always stretch benefit of the doubt as far as you can possibly stretch it. So far, this is not a problem with the Betties; we disagree great here.
2. If you’re angry, with me or with anyone else here, wait to post.
3. If you’re still angry later, e-mail me privately at lucy at lucymarch dot com.
That’s pretty much it. There are some things I’ll smack down but really, it’s egregious stuff. You come here and defend bigotry, slam people, or spew venom, you’re going to get your ass handed to you. But that’s really nothing Betties need to worry about, because honestly, it’s a self-selecting community. Anyone who can stomach my posts and dig the vibe in the comments is not the kind of person who’s going to say the kinds of things that would get their ass handed to them. As long as you’re respectful of people who live or see things differently from you, we’ll be cool. I don’t like “us vs. them” mentalities, and I think that if you can afford me the kind of grace that my human frailty here requires, then you’re the kind of person who can afford it to everyone else, and that’s the kind of person I’m seeing here in the comments. So, really, don’t sweat it.
I just don’t want anyone stressing out about whether I’m going to come down on you or not. Really, I don’t mean to come down on anyone at all. And when I do, I try to be as gentle as possible, and it’s really not coming down, it’s just protecting the peace. I think what we’ve got here is really special, and if I feel at all like a direction we’re going in has even the potential to disturb the peace here, I’ll come in waving my nightstick. But that said, I want you all to feel free to express your thoughts; as long as those thoughts aren’t expressed in anger, we’re good. And if a thought expressed here offends you, I’m gonna ask you to read it again, and be absolutely sure that there’s no other way this person could have meant that other than the way you took it. And once you do that, if you’re still mad, e-mail me privately and vent with me. Even if you’re mad at me. I just really want this to be a safe, peaceful place for everyone. You’ve all earned that. And, quite frankly, so have I.
*I know, not all Betties are women, but since it’s the majority, I’m going with it. My apologies to the Beau Betties.
March 10th, 2010 at 6:26 am
Very well said – thanks Lucy
March 10th, 2010 at 7:38 am
Agreed. It all depends on your perspective. Where I sit I may not see all you see or my past may colour what I see. There is so much value in another person’s point of view if you look for it. It may even help you see your point of view with greater clarity. It is easy to forget that there are good people out there who believe things that are completely opposite to what you believe and they do so because their experience has led them to that conclusion.
Wow this is sounding preachy, and before my shower even. I need to go soak my head. What I meant was. I agree with Lucy, on all points, like she said….
March 10th, 2010 at 8:17 am
Good on yah, Lucy.
I find if I keep my comments focused on my own experience and send supportive comments towards others I’m less likely to offend.
The others might think I’m a nut job, but at least they won’t feel like I think they are nut jobs! And, as I am a nut job, that’s okay.
March 10th, 2010 at 8:28 am
LOL, Georgie.
You make a good point. I think, whenever any one of us posts, we’re always talking about us and not anyone else. I always tell my kids, 90% of what people say to you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. It’s hard when an issue is personal, not to take it personally, but it’s also important to remember – it’s not about me. Even when I write the post and get the discussion rolling, what you guys say is yours. It’s about you, and I love that.
And, you know, to repeat – the Betties are really fab about this sort of thing. I just don’t want people feeling like they have to walk on eggshells, so I thought we should discuss it and get comfortable. I’m not the only one sharing really tender stuff here, and I want this to be a safe place. I also don’t want people feeling bad for being honest, so I’m trying to ride that line as tightly as I can.
March 10th, 2010 at 8:46 am
Yay for you, Lucy. This is, in fact, the most flame resistant site I’ve ever had the privelege to see, especially considering the topics. It’s wonderful.
Me, I always walk on eggshells. It usually takes me several minutes to get through one short post because I’m lacking some filters. I’m a pretty sarcastic person in real life, though not in a mean way, and I tend to forget that the person on the other end of the internet cannot see me smiling and laughing as I make a post that was intended to be facetious. I end up coming off as brash, so I tiptoe. But I do appreciate the environment that you’ve created here. I don’t think Oprah could have done any better.
March 10th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Listening to others is the key for me. I may feel strongly for my point and someone else for theirs, but if we can still listen to each other and acknowledge the point the other makes, then you’re having a conversation. And I like the conversations here.
March 10th, 2010 at 9:16 am
This is a good forum, sometimes I learn things and sometimes I teach things.
That’s better than it gets for most people.
This year, I gave up a somewhat well paying but rather soul destroying job to study full-time this year. A change that means lots of work.
This blog and Argh are my brief respite, my centres of solace.
So thanks to all Betties.
ST (Betty Davis)
March 10th, 2010 at 9:59 am
Since finding this blog, I’ve probably questioned more things about my decisions, my opinions, and my sanity than I have in years. But I’ve also learned I’m not alone in my thinking and experiences. And though this blog makes me more emotional than I’ve been in a while, I don’t regret one second of reading it. The blogs and the comments are worth whatever emotions they evoke.
So thank you, Lucy, for creating this soft place to play, and to all the Betties for making the play so rewarding.
March 10th, 2010 at 10:31 am
I think this place is lovely. The discussions are real and important and the comments are always coming from a place of honesty, even when they’re sparked by someone being “touchy” on their particular hot topic. Each of us has something to contribute and as several have said before me, those who share their feelings just make the others of us realize we aren’t alone with ours. I love it here. People are flourishing. That’s always good.
March 10th, 2010 at 11:00 am
I think these are awesome rules. A friend did his psych thesis project studying online communication and the almost innate tendency we have to take statements on the internet in a much more negative light than if we were to hear them in person or over the phone. There’s something about seeing text where we’re much more likely to take the negative interpretation than the positive. He had some backup research to support his experiments, but I have no idea what they are anymore
He’s now getting his PhD in classics so no idea if he ever did anything more with it.
This community makes me very happy, by the way. You’ve already all helped me to start making some very needed changes in my life and a coworker/mentor told me the other day that I seem so much happier at work than even just a month ago.
March 10th, 2010 at 11:14 am
Thanks for making this a safe place. I think of it as group therapy. : ) It’s a place where we can visit and express feelings we usually leave bottled up inside of us, and it helps us grow and be more understanding of our own problems and the issues of other women. It’s part of healing to listen and understand, and nod the head in agreement, or make the little mmm hmmm sounds of acknowledgement, and if any one of us has been along a similar road of recovery we can share the experience and often times if not lift the load of the other, shine a little light on the ruts in the road. How’s that for a sentence full of cliches?
March 10th, 2010 at 11:23 am
“I know, not all Betties are women, but since it’s the majority, I’m going with it. My apologies to the Beau Betties.”
No apology necessary, Lucy – I, for one, am proud to be an honourary “she”!
Y’know, so long as I don’t have to wear impractical shoes or worry about my weight or menstruate or anything…
March 10th, 2010 at 11:34 am
When I’m at the computer all day (or all night), I pop in here and at arghink regularly. It’s like leaving the office or house and going to a place where there are remarkable conversations that make me happy, or intrigued, sad or introspective. It’s as simple as this; I’m invested. There are people I’ve never seen that I care about. A lot. If they have good news, I’m genuinely happy for them. If they’re sharing something painful, I’m there. If nothing else, I can listen. If I can add something that might make someone feel less isolated, I’m going to try to do that. Lucy, your first steps on a rocky climb drew me in right away. And then came the other Betties. And the gentlemen, because that’s what they are, in the finest sense of the word. Becki said people were flourishing here and she’s right. I think I’m one of them.
March 10th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Lucy, you’ve created a wonderful supportive community here. I hope you’re getting as much from it as we are.
March 10th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
I don’t even read comments on most websites, because they degenerate so quickly to bickering and negativity. There’s something about the anonymity of internet commentary that often seems to bring the worst out in people. But for some reason, this site is the exact opposite. It provides a chance for people to address more personal issues than they might otherwise discuss in public.
The Betties who comment here are so smart and so thoughtful. Even though I’ve never met any of you and likely never will, this forum feels anything but anonymous. Seeing the same names over and over coming up with clever, thought-provoking and honest insights, I feel like I’m beginning to know a lot of you, and I look forward to reading what you have to say every morning. I’m happy that there are a lot of days left until Lucy’s fortieth.
P.S. Oh, yeah, the rules…I think the rules are great.
March 10th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
@ Alastair – LOL! omg I just spewed coffee. I’m with you, unfortunately Nature has decreed that I only have control over 1.5 out of those 3.
Didn’t some brilliant Betty tell us that Rule #1 is “I won’t purposely hurt you” (paraphrased… I couldn’t find the original comment!). We all have our hot buttons, but I think this bunch has the brains and class to remember Rule #1 above all else.
March 10th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Theresa
I definitely tend to lurk much more than comment, but this is a terrific and safe-for-sharing place that’s been created. I’d like to work on actually being more engaged rather than being a lurker fly.
In that light, I’m claiming a Betty name: Betty In Training
I’m not sure why that makes me smile, but it does, and suits how I feel about myself — always trying to work on me. Too bad it’s such a slow, drawn-out process.
Oh and rules. Always a good idea on with any group on the interwebs, and those are good ones!
March 10th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
What were those two rules for relationships that one of the Betties said before?
1. I will not intentionally harm you.
2. I cannot read your mind.
I think these rules are a nice way of expanding on those ideas.
I, too, appreciate that the comments here are part of the attraction. I hate when a safe space turns into comment wars full of bickering and vitriol (how exhausting). This feels like a little oasis of support, and a space filled with friends not strangers.
March 10th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Oh! And someone else beat me to the punch on mentioning the “will not harm” rule. Great minds think alike!
March 10th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
I’ve noticed that the Betties are really good at not taking advantage of Internet anonymity to slam people — a lot of place on the Web have that problem, and I hate it. This bunch is so, so nice.
And this has nothing to do whatever with this post, but I HAD to share. Another blogger I read (I think my last comment was about another blogger I read … when you have a boring, boring desk job, you have lots of time to read blogs, I guess) is currently in Seattle for the first time in many years, and she was talking about how things have changed. And she posted this gem: “there used to be this giant lit sign for the gas company that frankly looked like a sparkling spinning labia”
And of course, my brain (and almost my mouth, thank God I kept my mouth shut as I am the receptionist and the whole office would have heard me) immediately went “OMG NEON GLITTERY HOO-HA!!!!”
Seriously. What are the odds?
March 10th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
What everyone else said!!
This is a very enlightening Betty community. Love reading the comments. So very diverse. The gentlemen’s comments – love them. I like the balance of F/M thought process. You all make me think (wow or oh), laugh (loud), snort, and love you from afar.
Oh, I was thinking of Marley’s tattoo – “Joy can whisper.” If I
EVER got a tattie, that is it, with a little “~ Marley” beside it. Highly unlikely but that would be it. Me with a tattoo…..hmmm
Nah. See – you all made me think about it just for a moment.
Love from the westcoast, blowing a big smacking smooch your way.
March 10th, 2010 at 1:39 pm
I want to add a big, arm-waving, bouncing-in-my-seat-with-enthusiasm “me, too, me, too” to one of the comments already posted.
As someone who spends way too much time reading blogs through RSS feed, I tend to completely and totally avoid the comments. (Google Reader doesn’t even show them to me. I heart that.) Online comments seem to highlight the tendencies of humankind that make me weary.
However, that is not the case on this blog, and I love you all for it. I look forward to reading Lucy’s post and the subsequent conversation every day. Thank you, lovely Betties.
March 10th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Alpha Betty, this is your train set and your rules. I’m just grateful you let us play. I can’t help feeling we’re going to need some sort of support group for Day -1 though…
Thank you for creating this, and like someone said earlier, I hope you’re getting as much out of it as we are.
March 10th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Now, see, this is why I love it here. I love what Lucy said about waiting to post when you’re mad and how 90% of what people say has to do with them. Alastair made me lol and then reading through each comment I thought, “Yeah, what she said and what she said and what she said…” I remember about a week into this Year and Change, I woke up one morning and thought, “I’ll bet I can read Lucy’s blog quickly before we have to leave for the day,” and then realized how quickly the people here had become important to me. I’ve always believed in giving others the benefit of the doubt. Cut me off in traffic and then flipped the bird? Maybe your wife just left you. Screaming at your screaming kids at the grocery store? Maybe a loved one just died. I try to use that principal here, and think that nearly all the Betties do, making this place, as other Betties said, a safe and lovely place.
March 10th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
You guys are truly fabulous. As far as what I get out of this blog – loads. There’s the benefit of just giving voice to my thoughts; I’ve come to so many realizations that I don’t think I would have come to if I hadn’t committed to blogging every day for a year and a half. But that was expected; what is unexpected is the strength, intelligence, and kindness of the community here. This place is like a little wisdom orange, and every day I get to juice it.
That sounds bad. But you know what I mean.
Alastair, I think a few Betties just fell in love with you a little. Just giving you the warning. Should you start menstruating, we’ll give you leave to go do something manly for a while, just be sure you come back.
I love the “I will not intentionally harm you” and “I cannot read your mind” rules. That’s good stuff. I’ll add it to the Betties page.
March 10th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
LOL, I had to let you guys in on this…
I was just sitting here, surfing the web when I thought, “Oh! Alpha Betty! Alphabet… Alpha Betty!” Up until now, I hadn’t really thought about it. LOL, cute, whoever thought that one up.
March 10th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
I agree with what Sari, Erin and several of you said about not reading comments elsewhere. So much out there is not even accurate to what they are commenting on, and much of it is nasty.
What is said here is intelligent and thoughtful. I have become addicted to checking in. Thanks Betties!
I keep thinking of the Dr Pepper song …I’m a Betty, She’s a Betty, wouldn’t you like to be a Betty too….
March 10th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
Nancy – Not two hours ago I was thinking we should put that exact slogan on shirts!
I’ll admit it, I didn’t get the alphabet=alpha betty either. LOL!
March 10th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
What everyone else said. This really is such a wonderful community.
I love the term ‘Beau Betties.’ Except that now I can’t stop singing. Betty, Betty, Beau Betty. Banana fanna faux fetty…
March 10th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
LOL Nancy – glad I’m not the only one singing!
March 10th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
I heard a wonderful phrase the other day when a colleague was having a slightly heated telephone conversation – “hold on a second, you’re listening faster than I’m talking…”
Well, it made me smile anyway, and it ties in (yes, tenuously, I know) with what I think the rules are trying to say – don’t jump in before you’ve had a chance to finish listening. Possibly.
March 10th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
“hold on a second, you’re listening faster than I’m talking…”
I love that.
I agree about the 90 percent thing. We all hear, see, say things with our baggage distorting the message. I think it’s not flame-y here because we are aware of the baggage, our own and each others. We see the person not just the words. Hard to do on the internet, which I believe is how and why most flame wars get started or don’t end.
March 10th, 2010 at 4:12 pm
OMG Michelle/Bette Noir, I now have the name game stuck in my head — it’s alternating with the Dr. Pepper song. LOL
Tigerlily Betty, I hadn’t even THOUGHT of Day 1 until now! How depressing.
And I’m glad I’m not the only one addicted to checking in here 50 times a day just to see what other brilliant things have popped up in the comments section while I was away. I think it may be something of an addiction.
March 10th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
I was just thinking about how this is probably the only blog I go to so many times in one day and how if Lucy could use her “hit” numbers to show her popularity to get higher royalties (or some other sort of money), it’d be great.
I promise I think about things other than money. I just have a bad habit of trying to figure out how groups/people I like (shelter/friends/etc) can get more money without putting in any extra time. It’s a sick and twisted habit.
March 10th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
@Terrio – I second that.
@Alastair – I haven’t worn impractical shoes in years;)
@Lucy – thanks for taking a break and making sure we all had a good set of norms established. You’re a good mom. And about ‘Alpha Betty’ – I did get that but it took me nearly 5 years to get that J.K.Rowling’s genius of ‘Diagon Alley’ was ‘diagonally’. That’s what I get for just reading the first word of names and places.
March 10th, 2010 at 5:10 pm
Alastair–I was in a writing class a while ago that was 12 women and two men. Interesting dynamic, like damn. We women got together and awarded the two men the “Order of the Golden Uterus”–making them honorary women. Much laughter. I always saw it as a golden pin with a uterus and the Fallopian tubes.
It was I that came up with the coinage of Alpha Betty. (Damn, I *am* an attention whore.) I mentioned it as a good name for you, Lucy, on the comments for the first Betty-name post.
That said, enough of me, me, me. I want to thank you for creating such an honest environment here. You’re doing a great job, both as a human and as a writer. Awesome! (drink)
March 10th, 2010 at 5:30 pm
@Betty Page. You must be my long lost sister. I sooo knew I couldn’t be an only child lol! So, yeah, what you said! me too!
@Lucy/AlphaBetty, Thank you for sharing your journey and creating this place for us. I love it here. It feels happy.
@BettyX: Honey, we are ALL attention whores. You’re just a clever one!
March 10th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Wait…there’s going to be a Day -1? I have to go lie down now.
March 10th, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Day -1? As in, no more Lucy-blogs? I kinda have a feeling we’re not going to let her get away with that. The way this is going, we may be insisting on blogging from beyond the grave.
Either that, or the Betties will find a way to keep going after Lucy’s fed up with the whole shebang.
I’d rather think of it as Day 1, Day 0, and then Day 1 again. For the first day moving forward. And then we can just start counting up instead of down.
I love the rules, and like so many other Betties said, this is one place where I love to read to comments. It’s warm and welcome, and we all care about each other. As long as we remember that, following the rules should be easy. (When I see the list of rules, though, my brain keeps wanting to put down “don’t die” as rule #1. I think that’s what comes from watching too much Buffy while being sick…)
March 10th, 2010 at 6:24 pm
Alastair..
You said it very neatly.
I had been wondering what to call myself here at this wonderous blog.
Louis
March 10th, 2010 at 6:38 pm
@Bonny Betty – There’s no such thing as too much Buffy.
March 10th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
Stephanie – Diagonally! I never got that! Thank you! (just used up my exclamation point allocation for the next month…)
March 10th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
@Biblia Betty: I just thought that was a cool name in Harry Potter and when I mentioned all the neato shops on Diagon Alley my then-boyfriend went, “Oh, you mean like diagonally.” I scowled. Totally ruined it. Also the whole Mirror of Erised being “desire” spelled backwards. Grrr. I like to swallow my magic whole, not dissect it first!
March 10th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
Love the blog, love the rules. I look forward to the morning post almost as much as I look forward to my morning caffeine (which I need in order to open my eyes and read the blog…)
Alphabet / Alphabetty is brilliant. Diagonally was too, and don’t forget Knockturn Alley / nocturnally. JK Rowling is a genius.
March 10th, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Lora? That was a little weird. Because on Day 465 in the comments section, you can see this:
“Dee/Betty Page
February 27th, 2010 at 10:47 am
Okay, first off–Lora, I don’t know who you are or where you live, but I think we might be sisters.”
My parents had 8 kids; it’s very possible that you went missing and no one noticed.
@KellyJ, I thought I’d caught all the little name thingies (technical term) that JK Rowling threw in there — Diagon Alley, Erised, Fawkes, etc. — but I never got Knockturn Alley. I think it might have been the K. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.
March 10th, 2010 at 11:46 pm
Great rules – I’ve witnessed some nice online communities shake up and even implode that might still be around if they had taken this approach. I know this works for me because it actually happened to me a week or two ago. I was upset by something in one of your posts and had an immediate impulse to write you about it. I was saved from being a self-rightous prig by my dogs – they needed a walk. By the time I got home my mature self had realized that I was really responding from my own issues and that I didn’t need to try to make your blog about me. So I suggest an addendum to the rules – first, walk the dog.
I don’t always get time to comment but so much of your journey here resonates for me. Thanks for sharing.
March 11th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
There is a song by Sawyer Brown “They Just Don’t Understand.” If you haven’t heard it I highly recommend it. It captures much of what’s been said here in Lucy’s post and the comments. Moral of the story, you don’t know what is going on in someone’s life, so give them the benefit of the doubt. (the story behind the song is pretty amazing also. It can be found at the SB website.)
Wow, I got chatty all of a sudden.
March 11th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Thanks to Alpha Betty/Lucy for starting this great blog, and to the smart, thoughtful Betties, who keep it going. Like so many said, I can’t seem to get by without my Betties in the morning.
I’m usually a lurker, but with the safe vibes of this site, I feel much more comfortable adding my nickel’s worth. Thank you again.
March 12th, 2010 at 4:53 am
I like the rules. My general rule in life is to accept people for who they are and always give ‘em the benefit of the doubt.
BTW…love hearing from the boys! I think when the Beau Betties participate it changes our dynamic a bit.